Saturday, April 8, 2017

Fantastic Four 3.0: Source Material? What Source Material?

Dreamt that Fox greenlit production on yet another DOA Fantastic Four film.

Forest Whitaker had been cast as Reed Richards AKA Mr. Fantastic.

(It's like the character just leapt off the page and came to life!)

But that's not all! In addition to having his familiar elongating abilities, this version of Reed also had super strength! And he had his genius-level intellect removed! And he went around in whiteface to disguise his true identity!

(How progressive.)

As for the remaining characters, Ben Grimm AKA The Thing & Johnny Storm AKA the Human Torch had been combined into a single character;

Sue Storm AKA the Invisible Girl/Woman was nowhere to be seen;

(Which is pretty reasonable, considering who we're talking about.)

and Adrian Paul played Kryptonian Jesus.

Yes, Kryptonian Jesus. He wore brown-and-tan robes over a Superman costume.

What a stupid dream.

Friday, April 7, 2017

The Family Reunion Massacre

The following is quite possibly the strangest dream I've ever had. If not, it's certainly the strangest I've had within living memory.

My mother's side of the family was throwing a family reunion at my Uncle Dave and Aunt Sharon's house, so my mother and father and I made the trip to participate in the festivities. My sister was strangely absent from the proceedings.

Once at Dave and Sharon's place, we found ourselves amongst dozens upon dozens upon dozens of relatives. Many of these relatives (more, surely, than exist in real life) we knew only fleetingly, if at all.

Fast forward to dinnertime. Sharon served me a platter of buffalo wings and a slice of coffee cake as appetizer; the main course would be either steak or turkey (each diner would get to choose his meal of preference). There was going to be a long wait between the appetizer and the rest of the meal, so after eating my wings and nibbling on my cake, I decided to spend the interim chatting it up with one of my cousins, Andrea.

Andrea was a pretty girl -- fifteen, though she looked five years older -- and very friendly. Apparently we had met before years ago -- during the last family reunion, when we were both little kids. As she was fifteen and I was still twenty-nine in the dream, it should've been quite impossible for us to have been young children together. Yet somehow we still had been.

During that prior family reunion, she and I had participated in a game with the rest of our cousins, playing roles as husband and wife. As she related it to me, apparently we hadn't been too fond of each other back then, our simulated marriage notwithstanding. At first I couldn't recall this chain of events; I knew I recognized Andrea from some time before, but I couldn't remember this game or my enmity with her. This frustrated her deeply. Then I began to recall some of what she had told me.

To get away from the hustle and bustle around us, Andrea and I secreted ourselves away in an alcove between two walls or shelves so we could continue our talk undisturbed. One of our relatives found us there like that, and he immediately jumped to the conclusion that I had taken her there to feel her up. This relative didn't waste any time spreading this unfounded claim throughout the house, and soon most everyone was regarding me as an incestual statutory rapist, threatening to call the police to arrest me. Even though Andrea backed me up, angrily shouting that nothing sexual had gone on between us, no one listened. Even her mother -- Aunt Middleton -- looked on me as a bug to squash.

(My parents had mysteriously vanished while this was going down.)

Tempers escalated, and those who had been yelling for my arrest began howling for my blood; they literally wanted me dead. One of the relatives present -- dressed in a full-body suit of deadly steampunk armour -- began pursuing me.

Worn over his hands were these gauntlets -- gauntlets capable of launching long steel bolts at lethal velocity with pinpoint accuracy. As he chased me, he let fly many of these bolts, but I managed to evade them. Taking one of these bolts, I hid. Then using cunning I ambushed him, running him through on the bolt, killing him.

The relatives went into a collective berserker rage and began attacking me in droves. Wielding a machete and garden claw, I was forced to hack and slash through the lot of them to stay alive. In the midst of all this, someone had ordered a pizza.

As the pizza man was entering the building, so consumed in self-preservation was I that I failed to notice he wasn't one of my bloodlustful relatives; I buried the blade of my machete in his carotid artery.

Realizing my mistake, I was quick to pull the blade out and press down on the wound to keep him from bleeding out. My Uncle Frank -- a doctor -- took my place staunching the poor man's blood flow while I told one of the relatives to call for an ambulance. Someone mentioned that the authorities had already been notified, that police cruisers along with an ambulance was already on the way. The dream ended there.

I believe the strangest aspect of this dream was that aside from my own two parents, none of the relatives in this dream are relatives of mine in the waking world. Uncle Dave and Aunt Sharon are old friends of my parents who have since divorced; Aunt Middleton was a counselor/aide who worked at my high school; Uncle Frank was literally Kevin's Uncle Frank from the first two Home Alone movies;

and my cousin Andrea was Andrea Nemeth, a Canadian actress of the '90s who has since retired.

(I loved her as Medea in The Odyssey.)

Thursday, April 6, 2017


I was on a sailing ship with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Olivia d'Abo.

He was dressed as Conan the Barbarian while she was content to go around in her birthday suit. 


Needless to say, this turned me on quite a bit and I so desired to do the nasty with her right then and there. Arnold, wanting to help me out, told me that I'd only be able to get her in the sack if I disguised myself as him. Taking his helmet, he put it on my head and I then tried my best Arnold impression. It took me a few tries to get it down; I sounded like a bloody Scotsman before I quickly got it dead-on. Olivia wasn't gonna hang around long enough to give my flimsy masquerade a shot. Bringing her arms together, bending her knees, she leapt off the deck and into the ocean.

Not wanting to lose my chance at her, I dove in after her. After swimming around in the murky water for a time, I located her. Taking her by the leg, I swam up back to the surface and dragged her onto the beach. We then had sex on the beach.

(Two of 'em, in fact. Neither of us are keen on sharing.)

Oh, but then I had one of those dreams within in a dream.

I woke up to find my sexcapade with Olivia in the Land of Nod had left me ... a tad unkempt.

To clean things up, I took the plunge into a small pool and swam around for a bit. There were large stones at the bottom of the pool, like I was swimming around in a large-scale fish bowl or aquarium.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Grave Robber & the Yellow Man

Dreamt a creepy dream wherein I became a grave robber.

(I may not get paid overtime or receive any medical benefits, but I get to set my own hours and meet plenty of interesting people.)

As is wont to happen with my bad luck, my skullduggery attracted the attention of a man who didn't take kindly to my desecration of the dead. He was tall, bald, gaunt, dressed in a tailored black suit, and had jaundice-yellow skin.

(O hai, Inspiration No. 1.)

He attacked me, I cut off one of his hands. Yellow blood spurted all over me, quickly congealing into a mustard-like consistency.

(O hai, Inspiration No. 2.)

While the dream trailed off there, I was still left with the impression that the Yellow Man -- whoever, whatever he was -- wasn't yet finished with me.

Monday, April 3, 2017

The Entreé: My Pet Squirrel

Had a dream that a wild squirrel to a liking to me, so I decided to adopt it as a pet. It was afraid of the dogs and wary of the cats, so I took care to keep the squirrel close to me whenever they were around. I kept the squirrel for a number of years and the two of us grew very close. Then the squirrel died of old age.

Instead of giving the squirrel a decent burial, my family took it, skinned it, then baked it for dinner. Suffice to say, I was incensed. I took my roasted squirrel and proceeded to go on a violent rampage.

Then I was killed by Kandarian Demons.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

From the Dream Archives: My Multiversal Odyssey, Co-Starring Jennifer Connelly, Kurt Cobain, & Deborah Harry


Had two separate dreams. One was relatively normal, the other ... not so much.

In the first dream, I met and got to know Jennifer Connelly. In this dream universe, she was an artist.

(As she is art, I find that most redundant.)

Together, we designed an album cover for an album one of us was putting together.

(Though between the two of us, I know who has the greater musical talent.)

Then we made a short film together.

I then accidentally sat on the LaserDisc it was burned to and it broke into the shape of Batman's emblem.

(And here's a photo of Batman '89 on LaserDisc for your viewing pleasure.)

Finally, at the end of the dream, she kissed me.

(She had nice, full lips.)

The second dream was far more surreal and abstract. It involved me evading robbers robbing a video rental store

(Here's what I think of your 1-day rental policy, suckers.)

and gangstas going on a shooting spree

(Who pissed in their Colt 45s?)

to travel into alternate futures and realities to prevent something of Lovecraftian proportions from happening to the world.

(Obviously, I failed.)

I think Deborah Harry was my spiritual guide in this dream.

(I wish I had this much hair.)

I also met Kurt Cobain, who had never really died but became some kind of crazy Hindu-like ascetic who'd taken a pair of nuns on as wives.

(If he'd had two fun-loving sisters like these in his life, I'm certain the lyrics to "Come as You Are" would've remained unironic.)

The dream came to an end with me having to choose one of a countless number of dimensional portals to step through. The right portal would return me to Earth in the proper place and time while the others would leave me stranded in other worlds and/or times with little to no possibility of escape.

(Quinn & co. had it easy.)

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Watching '80s Horror Movies on VHS & A Talk with My Inner Spirit

Here is a pair of some truly bizarro dreams.

(Not literal Bizarro dreams, mind you.)

The first dream began with me watching B-grade horror movies from the '80s on VHS through an old CRT TV.

(By gum, those were the days.)

A young(er) Donald Trump appeared in the first movie I decided to watch, playing himself.

(Could he ever play different?)

He chastised a female character for finding religion, then began monologuing to himself on how he once sought belief in a higher power before deciding to believe in himself.

(What's that, subconscious mind? Donald Trump worships himself? I already knew that, but thanks for the info anyhow.)

Gears shifted and the second movie was on.

A small group of rich, spoiled teenagers/early twenty-somethings

decided to hold a séance in the last house remaining from a poor, decaying neighbourhood that was otherwise completely bulldozed over and replaced with brand spankin' new homes built for the rich decades ago.


Assembling at a large square table in a room located in the centre of the dark, decrepit building, they used florescent ink and florescent gas

as conjuring substances to summon forth a spirit of the house. Quite suddenly a short, squat woman with messy red hair, wild eyes, and an impossibly wide mouth materialized atop the table.

(Imagine a three-way cross between Fiona Dourif, Henrietta from Evil Dead II, and the Cheshire Cat and you get the unsettling picture.)

Scared shitless, they all bolted from the room. Some got lost in the dark trying to escape, but most managed to get out to safety. I don't know what became of those trapped in the house with the spirit made flesh.

(But really, I do.)

That dream came to an end and the second dream commenced.

I was now in a sterile classroom, where a social worker

(who will now be played by the saucy Elisa Donovan)

gave me a list of outfits which could help me find a job to copy down. I tried writing down some of the addresses, but for some reason I couldn't concentrate on the words and failed to do so.

(Dyslexia -- it's not just for the waking world anymore!)

In a flash, I was then on the back porch of my house. I was there with the social worker, and she was trying to communicate with my inner spirit, which looked like a human-shaped bundle of dead leaves dressed in a blue vest.

(Close enough.)

When I told the social worker her presence wasn't helping, that my inner spirit wouldn't emerge with her standing around acting all demanding, she left.

Then my inner spirit took on its true form; it looked like a dirty Avery Brooks.

(Grime to be added in post-production.)

My inner spirit then began lamenting on how it -- and by extension, I -- should've married and had kids by now.

"On second thought, I shouldn't have driven the saucy redhead away."