Friday, September 22, 2017

Labyrinth of Legends

Once upon a time, there was the Earth.


And on the Earth was Man.


And Man had dominion over every beast in the field and bird in the air and fish in the sea.


Then Man breached the barriers between the Earth and Todash Space,


and the demoniac hordes were loosed upon the Earth,


and the Earth was made waste and empty.


Then the Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea sent his son, Aslan,


to renew the face of the Earth. Aslan planted a glen in the midst of the Waste Lands, and taking the last of every wondrous and holy creature, filled it, setting bars all along the Glen to shield it from the Todash monsters and their minions.


A young maiden was brought to the Glen stables,


(We'll call her Sarah-Lily.)

where she was put in charge of caring for the sacred unicorn, last of its kind.


Sarah-Lily, entranced by the unicorn's purity, came to love the creature.

In the Waste Lands, in the Dark Kingdom, there reigned Jareth -- Dark Prince of the Goblins.


(And a million fangirls cried out in pleasure and suddenly climaxed.)

Jareth came to know of the unicorn and the magical powers it wielded. Coveting the beast, Jareth set about appearing in Sarah-Lily's dreams. Speaking to her in velvet tones, he promised all his love and his glory to her if she would but take the unicorn from the Glen and ride out upon it to his castle.Very innocent, just as naive, Sarah-Lily succumbed to Jareth's charm and fell deeply in love with the Dark Prince. Doing as her beloved requested, Sarah-Lily saddled up the unicorn and took it from the stables. A stable boy


(I was wondering when I was supposed to appear in my own dream.)

noticed her slip out with the unicorn and decided to see where she was off to. Keeping himself hidden, the stable boy followed her as she rode through the Glen, out the gate, into the Dead Wood.

Travelling along the path through the Dead Wood surrounded by overgrown, lifeless trees which choked out the very sky, Sarah-Lily soon saw Jareth in the distance. Jareth, atop a black Clydesdale steed, held aloft a scepter bearing a crystal globe scintillating with silver light. As Sarah-Lily slowly approached her prince, mesmerized in his physical presence, the stable boy emerged from cover of the underbrush and ran up to the maiden. Shouting at her, cursing her, he managed to rouse her from Jareth's spell. No longer bewitched by the Dark Prince, she turned right 'round and kicked the unicorn into a full gallop back for the Glen.

Sarah-Lily managed to get back to the safety of the Glen grounds, but the stable boy wasn't so fortunate. Without the speed of a steed to assist his gait, he failed to make it to the gate in time before Jareth called on his magic to close it, sealing the boy off from sanctuary. Chanting an incantation, the Dark Prince cast an unbreakable sphere of solid vacuum over the boy, sealing his fate.

Friday, September 1, 2017

From the Dream Archives: Cousin Sonja: Sorceress Seductress Supreme/Hell Hath No Fury Like a Lycanthrope Scorned/American Revenant/Attack of the Mutant Leaky-Ceiling Yellow Jackets/Leave Michael & Heather Alone/Giorgio Tsoukalos Combs His Hair

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 30 AUGUST 2015)

Had a particularly disconcerting dream where I lost my virginity to a Russian first cousin named Sonja.


I must have been an inglorious lover, 'cause she turned out to be a vindictive witch -- literally. She conjured vicious mountain lions up before me and caused the local clinic doctors to be dangerously unsanitary.

Suffice to say, I enjoyed the first half of the dream. The second, not so much.


* * *

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 2 DECEMBER 2015)

Had a peculiar dream wherein I was a character in a horror film.

If I recall the sequence of events correctly, my reluctant werewolf ex-lover betrayed me to her extended family of loup-garou. They promptly slaughtered me.


* * *

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 14 DECEMBER 2015)

A word to the wise: Don't stay up to 8:00 AM. If you do, you're liable to have nightmares about being strangled by a putrescent, undead Patrick Bateman.


* * *

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 4 MAY 2016)

Was woken this morning by a somewhat disturbing dream.

In my dream, after having jets of rancid rainwater wash over my face from my leaky bedroom ceiling,


more of the ceiling caved in, revealing giant yellow jacket nests in the rafters above.


(And I don't just mean that the nests were gigantic; the wasps themselves were supersized.)

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me that I utterly loathe my bedroom and yellow jackets. 


(Why it bothered, I'll never know. I was already consciously aware of my hatred for both.)

* * *

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 15 MAY 2016)

Dreamt that a young Michael Jackson


(Okay, not this young.)

and Heather Langenkamp


*swoon*

starred in a movie together, playing lovers caught in a Romeo & Juliet-type situation. The dream/movie even came complete with a version of Jackson's "Leave Me Alone" music video co-starring Ms. Langenkamp.



(A more involving part, I'm sure, than the one she had in this video.)

Clancy Brown was cast as the main villain,


(Surprise, surprise.)

with Jack Purvis and a dwarf version of Jean Smart in supporting roles.


 * * *

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 12 JUNE 2016)

Dreamt a dream wherein I was a teenage student in a high school science class. Giorgio Tsoukalos was brought in as a guest speaker.


(Oddly enough, his hair was combed and neat.)

From the Dream Archives: Skywalker & Sons

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 20 JULY 2015)

Dreamt an odd dream that another animated Star Wars TV series


(or perhaps it was a film)

had been released. Only this one was done in a 2D semi-anime style rather than in CG.


The series/film was centred around Luke Skywalker and his two sons.


(Before the dark times. Before the J. J.)

One of these sons -- Alexander, I believe he was named -- was his biological son, while the other -- whose name I can't recall -- was a foster child he'd decided to take under his wing.

The plot was essentially as follows: Alexander -- being one of those "bad seed" kids who show up in a plethora of derivative horror/thriller films -- is found and trained by a darksider right under Luke's nose.


(He had a darksaber, too. Fuck that red shit.)

Meanwhile, the foster son -- who was a darksider himself before Luke took him in -- finds himself drawn evermore towards the light.

Anywho, the dream pretty much came to a close on that note. There were loads of other minute details, but I've forgotten them.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

From the Dream Archives: Whoopi Goldberg, Nosferatu

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 2 MAY 2015)

Had a particularly creepy dream wherein I ventured into an ancient, dilapidated, moss-shrouded house,


wherein I was attacked and vampirized by a bloodsucker which looked like a dessicated Whoopi Goldberg.



If I ever realize my dream of becoming a filmmaker, I must make a short film based on this.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

The Infamous Lake Country Wildfire of '17

I, my parents, and my sister were out visiting neighbours when a wildfire sparked off to the east of us. It was so intense, it sent a veritable pillar of flame into the sky, a thick blanket of gray smoke unfurling to cover the firmament. The fire was very close -- several hundred metres away at most -- and due to its ferocity, it was believed it would grow beyond control and overtake our homes before fire fighters could arrive to contain it.

Fearful for the fates of my pets and belongings, against the warnings of all others, I took off in a dead run for home to collect who and what I could in the short time allotted. Something then happened to me, something which knocked me out cold. When I came to in the hospital, weeks had gone by. From my family, I learned that our home had been caught in the fire; all our possessions had been destroyed and one of our dogs had died.


The dream then jumped forward in time ten or twenty years. I found myself cutting across the grounds of the UBC Okanagan campus, where I crossed paths with one of the female students.


(She was the spitting image of Keegan Connor Tracy.)

I inquired if she knew of the infamous Lake Country Wildfire of '17; she said she did. I then asked her if she'd like to come with me to visit the old neighbourhood; she said she did. Together, we made the trip on-foot to my old neighbourhood. The townscape had transformed considerably since the 2010s. For example, where there had once been a small church now stood a series of Arby's restaurants.


(Arby's had transitioned from a chain of sandwich restaurants to a Dairy Queen clone in the intervening decades.)

Arriving on the site of where my house had stood, we found no remaining trace of it. In its stead were several white houses and sheds, some enveloped in clear plastic, all smouldering. There was even a Chow Chow lying on a front yard who was ashy and smoky.


(He was alive and uninjured in spite of this (I suppose some dogs are just more invulnerable than others.).).

My companion pondered on how the area could still be smouldering after all these years; I gave an existential answer about how the location still retained the memory of that fire in its soil or something poetic like that, but I knew what was happening was truly the direct result of a recent wildfire.

The Mini-Bear/My Bisexual, Polyamorous Girlfriend/The All-Girl Lacrosse Game on My Front Lawn/Illya Woloshyn vs. Pat Roach

The family and I won a miniature, cat-like bear by way of a call-in radio show. We initially planned to donate the bear to a zoo, but upon seeing how well our dogs bonded with it, we decided to keep it.

* * *

I got myself a girlfriend.


(She strongly resembled the actress Emily Holmes.)

My mother didn't like her, as she was both bisexual and polyamorous. While I tolerated her promiscuity, I got the sense that our relationship wasn't fated to last.

* * *

Two all-girl lacrosse teams were out on my front lawn, playing a match.


(Goddamn punk kids! Git off muh lawn!)

I recall the colours of one of the team's uniforms: red jerseys with black shorts.


* * *

Illya Woloshyn


and Pat Roach


were out on the streets, surrounded by an audience of hoodlums, engaged in a fierce battle-royale-to-the-death. Illya was using a baseball bat as his weapon of choice while Pat was using an oversized carpenter hammer.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Trance Loses Her Hair/The Orgy on Ferenginar/Don't Buy This Product!!!

Trance Gemini and Seamus Harper from the TV series Andromeda were on a ship stranded in a pocket universe.


(As is wont to happen with my luck, it was Gold Trance, my least favourite incarnation of the character.)

Since this pocket universe was so minuscule, there were very few stars present inside it. This proved detrimental to Trance, as being the living incarnation of a sun, she needed long-term proximity to stellar bodies to remain healthy.

Growing progressively weaker the longer they spent trapped in the microcosm, Trance's hair started falling out.


(You won't see me mourn for that rat's nest.)

She gave a lock of it to Harper, asking him to weave it into his own hair.


(While the dream trailed off there, I like to believe that Harper and Trance escaped the pocket universe off-screen, culminating in her transformation back to her former, perfect purple self.)

* * *

On the world of Ferenginar, most of the Ferengi -- bodies slathered in silver body paint


-- were engaged in a worldwide orgy.


(Lots 'n' lots of oo-mox. Ooh yeah!)

Then the Cardassians arrived.


A large invasion fleet at their command, they conquered Ferenginar with next to no resistance. Once their ships landed, the Cardassians began rounding half the Ferengi population up for transport to offworld internment camps. The remaining Ferengi? They began having consensual sex with their new Cardassian overlords right away. One of the Ferengi being hauled off called this action a "rank abomination".


(S/he acts as if such Cardassian/Ferengi relations aren't without precedent.)

* * *

My parents bought a purple cleaning product advertised in an infomercial.



Unfortunately, the stuff proved too caustic; it began eating holes in the floor soon upon application.


Furthermore, the seller of the product turned out to be the thrall of a skeletal female vampire.