Saturday, August 19, 2017

Trance Loses Her Hair/The Orgy on Ferenginar/Don't Buy This Product!!!

Trance Gemini and Seamus Harper from the TV series Andromeda were on a ship stranded in a pocket universe.


(And as is wont to happen with my luck, it was Gold Trance, my least favourite incarnation of the character.)

Since this pocket universe was so minuscule, there were very few stars present inside it. This proved detrimental to Trance, as being the living incarnation of a sun, she needed long-term proximity to stellar bodies to remain healthy.

Growing progressively weaker the longer they spent trapped in the microcosm, Trance's hair started falling out.


(You won't see me mourn for that rat's nest.)

She gave a lock of it to Harper, asking him to weave it into his own hair.


(While the dream trailed off there, I like to believe that Harper and Trance escaped the pocket universe off-screen, culminating in her transformation back to her former, perfect purple self.)

On the world of Ferenginar, most of the Ferengi -- bodies slathered in silver body paint


-- were engaged in a worldwide orgy.


(Lots 'n' lots of oo-mox. Ooh yeah!)

Then the Cardassians arrived.


A large invasion fleet at their command, they conquered Ferenginar with next to no resistance. Once their ships landed, the Cardassians began rounding half the Ferengi population up for transport to offworld internment camps. The remaining Ferengi? They began having consensual sex with their new Cardassian overlords right away. One of the Ferengi being hauled off called this action a "rank abomination".


(S/he acts as if such Cardassian/Ferengi relations aren't without precedent.)

My parents bought a purple cleaning product advertised in an infomercial.



Unfortunately, the stuff proved too caustic; it began eating holes in the floor soon upon application.


Furthermore, the seller of the product turned out to be the thrall of a skeletal female vampire.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

All Dogs Go to Heaven (And Sometimes Come Back)

Dreamt that I was visited by the spirit of my dog, Sheba, who's been dead since 2011. She appeared to me as she had appeared throughout much of her life -- chunky, but without the mass of tumours which had developed on her chest in the years preceding her passing. Accompanying her were the spirits of several other dogs, some of whom I recognized, others I didn't. They hadn't come to haunt me; they just wanted me to know that death was not the end.


R. I. P.

Sheba

c. 2000 -- 2011

Saturday, August 12, 2017

The Lonesome Death of William Bruce Rose Jr.

I had a dream that Axl Rose


(wearing a tuxedo, holding a dirty needle)

was sitting up in a cherry tree in my backyard. After leaping out of the tree, he proceeded to rant and rave to everyone within earshot, dangerously waving the needle about.

I ended up beating him to death with a baseball bat.


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The Abandoned Insurrection/Ride with a Pederast/Throwdown with the Trio from Tartarus

I led (or at least participated in) an insurrection which took place on the grounds of a college in the dead of winter.


(I suppose them's the breaks when your math instructor fails to communicate with you in regards to continuing your tutelage under him in spite of repeated efforts on your part to get in touch.)

Then I found myself away from the college and the insurrection, waiting for a bus in the cold, wet snow. I was then run down by a car or some such vehicle. I received no major injuries, though I was knocked senseless and ended up missing the bus.


A man at the wheel of a red car pulled up and offered me a ride. Since he looked like the bastard love child of Ernie Coombs and Hans Moleman, I took him as harmless and took him up on his offer.


(Innocuous old men and all that jazz.)

Once we got to my neighbourhood, he propositioned me for sex.


(I don't know about you, but I'm not exploring his tickle trunk.)

That's when I pretended to whip out a knife and held its invisible blade up to his throat.


I threatened to cut him good if he didn't let me out and drive off toot sweet. Presumably none too eagre to hurry through his twilight years, he did just that. Oh, and it wasn't winter anymore.


As I proceeded to walk the rest of the way home, the red car reappeared. Ernie Moleman was no longer behind the wheel. There were three unfamiliar men in there now, one of them wearing a white hood over his head; he had a bloody hole smack-dab in the centre of his forehead.


(Klansmen are scary enough as-is. Did you really have to make one an undying demon, subconscious mind?)

As there was little cover to be had, I cut across someone's backyard and ducked down behind a short length of fence, hiding where I could see them but they couldn't see me. But they weren't human, after all, and they didn't need sight to locate me. Emerging from their car, they strode right up to where I had secreted myself. That's when I took up a length of hard, heavy wood and began beating at them with it.



(Skip to 0:46 for the action I'm talking about.)

Of course, being supernatural, they had greater endurance to pain and injury than any mere man. I'd hit them, and at best that would slow them down. Taking up their own lengths of wood, they in turn began hitting me; I wasn't as tough as they.

Right before I woke, I picked up a trowel that was lying within reach. Attacking one of the men -- a portly, balding fellow -- I stabbed him right in the brainpan; twisting the trowel blade around, I managed to pop his eyes out, leaving them danging from their sockets. That didn't kill or incapacitate him; he was as brimming with piss and vinegar as he had been when this scuffle commenced.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Fantastic Four 3.0: Source Material? What Source Material?

Dreamt that Fox greenlit production on yet another DOA Fantastic Four film.


Forest Whitaker had been cast as Reed Richards AKA Mr. Fantastic.


(It's like the character just leapt off the page and came to life!)

But that's not all! In addition to having his familiar elongating abilities, this version of Reed also had super strength! And he had his genius-level intellect removed! And he went around in whiteface to disguise his true identity!


(How progressive.)

As for the remaining characters, Ben Grimm AKA The Thing & Johnny Storm AKA the Human Torch had been combined into a single character;


Sue Storm AKA the Invisible Girl/Woman was nowhere to be seen;


(Which is reasonable, considering who we're talking about.)

and Adrian Paul played Kryptonian Jesus.


Yes, Kryptonian Jesus. He wore brown-and-tan robes over a Superman costume.

What a stupid dream.

Friday, April 7, 2017

The Family Reunion Massacre

The following is quite possibly the strangest dream I've ever had. If not, it's certainly the strangest I've had within living memory.

My mother's side of the family was throwing a family reunion at my Uncle Dave and Aunt Sharon's house, so my mother and father and I made the trip to participate in the festivities. My sister was strangely absent from the proceedings.


Once at Dave and Sharon's place, we found ourselves amongst dozens upon dozens upon dozens of relatives. Many of these relatives (more, surely, than exist in real life) we knew only fleetingly, if at all.

Fast forward to dinnertime. Sharon served me a platter of buffalo wings and a slice of coffee cake as appetizer; the main course would be either steak or turkey (each diner would get to choose his meal of preference). There was going to be a long wait between the appetizer and the rest of the meal, so after eating my wings and nibbling on my cake, I decided to spend the interim chatting it up with one of my cousins, Andrea.

Andrea was a pretty girl -- fifteen, though she looked five years older -- and very friendly. Apparently we had first met years before -- at the last family reunion, when we were both little kids. As she was fifteen and I was still twenty-nine in the dream, it should've been quite impossible for us to have been young children together. Yet somehow we still had been.


During that prior family reunion, she and I had participated in a game with the rest of our cousins, playing roles as husband and wife. As she related it to me, apparently we hadn't been too fond of each other back then, our simulated marriage notwithstanding. At first I couldn't recall this chain of events; I knew I recognized Andrea from some time before, but I couldn't remember this game or my enmity with her. This frustrated her deeply. Then I began to recall some of what she had told me.

To get away from the hustle and bustle around us, Andrea and I secreted ourselves away in an alcove between two walls or shelves so we could continue our talk undisturbed. One of our relatives found us there like that, and he immediately jumped to the conclusion that I had taken her there to feel her up. This relative didn't waste any time spreading this unfounded claim throughout the house, and soon most everyone was regarding me as an incestual statutory rapist, threatening to call the police to arrest me. Even though Andrea backed me up, angrily shouting that nothing sexual had gone on between us, no one listened. Even her mother -- Aunt Middleton -- looked on me as a bug to squash.


(My parents had mysteriously vanished while this was going down.)

Tempers escalated, and those who had been yelling for my arrest began howling for my blood; they literally wanted me dead. One of the relatives present -- dressed in a full-body suit of deadly steampunk armour -- began pursuing me.


Worn over his hands were these gauntlets -- gauntlets capable of launching long steel bolts at lethal velocity with pinpoint accuracy. As he chased me, he let fly many of these bolts, but I managed to evade them. Taking one of these bolts, I hid. Then using cunning I ambushed him, running him through on the bolt, killing him.


The relatives went into a collective berserker rage and began attacking me in droves. Wielding a machete and garden claw, I was forced to hack and slash through the lot of them to stay alive. In the midst of all this, someone had ordered a pizza.


As the pizza man was entering the building, so consumed in self-preservation was I that I failed to notice he wasn't one of my bloodlustful relatives; I buried the blade of my machete in his carotid artery.


Realizing my mistake, I was quick to pull the blade out and press down on the wound to keep him from bleeding out. My Uncle Frank -- a doctor -- took my place staunching the poor man's blood flow while I told one of the relatives to call for an ambulance. Someone mentioned that the authorities had already been notified, that police cruisers along with an ambulance was already on the way. The dream ended there.


I believe the strangest aspect of this dream was that aside from my own two parents, none of the relatives in this dream are relatives of mine in the waking world. Uncle Dave and Aunt Sharon are old friends of my parents who have since divorced; Aunt Middleton was a counselor/aide who worked at my high school; Uncle Frank was literally Kevin's Uncle Frank from the first two Home Alone movies;


and my cousin Andrea was Andrea Nemeth, a Canadian actress of the '90s who has since retired.


(I loved her as Medea in The Odyssey.)

Thursday, April 6, 2017

D'Abolique

I was on a sailing ship with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Olivia d'Abo.


He was dressed as Conan the Barbarian while she was content to go around in her birthday suit. 


*swoon*

Needless to say, this turned me on quite a bit and I so desired to do the nasty with her right then and there. Arnold, wanting to help me out, told me that I'd only be able to get her in the sack if I disguised myself as him. Taking his helmet, he put it on my head and I then tried my best Arnold impression. It took me a few tries to get it down; I sounded like a bloody Scotsman before I quickly got it dead-on. Olivia wasn't gonna hang around long enough to give my flimsy masquerade a shot. Bringing her arms together, bending her knees, she leapt off the deck and plunged into the ocean.

Not wanting to lose my chance at her, I dove in after her. After swimming around in the murky water for a time, I located her. Taking her by the leg, I swam up back to the surface and dragged her onto the shore. We then had sex on the beach.


(Two of 'em, in fact. Neither of us are keen on sharing.)

Oh, but then I had one of those dreams within in a dream.


I woke up to find my sexcapade with Olivia in the Land of Nod had left me ... a tad unkempt.


To clean things up, I took the plunge into a small pool and swam around for a bit. There were large stones at the bottom of the pool, like I was swimming around in a large-scale fish bowl or aquarium.